Hello, how about a quick catch up before I try and explain what I mean about un-ing.
I think last time I wrote we were just about to introduce a second chemotherapy, which I have had before as the one I was on was not working. Well, we did and sadly, that did not work either. Even with the combined chemos, the cancer still grew and the cancer still spread. I have also lost all my hair and eyebrows and hate it just as much as I knew I would.
So then what? Well, we have scrapped those two chemotherapies and started a completely new to me one, one which is not used so often as it has certain protocols that must be met before a patient can be given it. To have this new targeted chemotherapy you have to have basically run out of everything else to try (layman’s terms).
This week I have had my third infusion and goodness does this one knock me sideways a bit. But I do at least get one week off in in every three, by the middle of which I feel vaguely ‘normal.’ We saw my oncologist this week and it was with a mixed bag of results. Shall we go good or bad first? Let’s get the bad over with. The latest CT scan shows that the cancer has spread further in my lymph nodes in to my back. There is also probable cancer in the bone and some fluid around the bottom of one lung. Not the best stuff. But, on the other hand we can all see that the cancer on my neck and chest looks significantly less angry and has reduced in the area it is covering a bit. So it is a very strange balance of emotions and thoughts currently percolating.
But, as ever, onwards we go, one day at a time.
So, just what on earth am I talking about when I say, Un-ing? It is something that I have observed not only in myself, but also others around me and further afield.
We come into this world as simple creatures owning nothing but our bodies and an innate ability to love and be loved. From that moment on we spend the first half of our lives filling, complicating, taking on, running away, hiding, busying, crowding; over saturating, over sharing, overexposing, over stimulating and ending up overwhelmed. And then at some point we realise it is all too much and in a second phase of life, we begin to try and un-pick ourselves.
My cancer has given me a heads up that I am in the second (and sadly shorter – although I am working hard to make it as long as possible – don’t you worry about that) part of my life and so may perhaps be seeing and feeling this need to pare back sooner than usual. But doing so feels good, it feels right. In fact, I see more and more people trying to begin the process whether with therapy or counselling, by de-cluttering, swapping stuff for experiences and even beginning to step back from social media, news and too much stimulation and information overload.
Now, on the one hand I am very much talking about stuff – you know ALL THAT STUFF that we accumulate. I have often felt the overwhelming urge to get rid of at least half of my things but unfortunately, although I have the desires of a minimalist, I also have the personality of a chaotic creative who magpie collects hobbies and interests and therefore – stuff. Of course, in my health position I find myself looking around at everything I have accrued and thinking about what a load of nonsense a lot of it is that someone will have to go through at some point and wouldn’t it be better if I did so myself now. It puts me in mind of the Swedish art of death cleaning, which is basically sorting your stuff out before you go and doing so in a positive reflective manner, enjoying the joys you feel while gently letting things go; this seems like a great idea for us all to consider.
But, my un-ing is in fact more than about stuff. For me, it is about getting back to our most basic, natural and simple selves, stripped of all complications and being happy and peaceful about doing so. It is about living and dying in the most joyous way we can.
A couple of years ago, when I was going through one of my many cancer recurrences, I sat down for a whole day to think. Yes, just to think. It was interesting and I’m sure I sound quite odd for doing this. Out of the day I ended up with a list of things that I wanted to leave behind when I went. I have spoken in previous posts about one of these things on several occasions; curiosity, and I’m sure I will again as it is something I believe in very much. Another though is that I want to leave behind me, in life, as well as in death, only positive vibrations.
What do I mean by this without sounding like I’m talking woo-woo? We are made of energy, it is a fact. Energy can be felt. We all know what it’s like to walk into a room after someone has had an argument and we can feel the tense atmosphere. Likewise, there are some people we meet who just leave us feeling wholly lifted and upbeat when we have been with them. I believe that we all leave pockets of energy in our wake and I for one want to try to make sure that if someone steps into my slip stream, whether I have just walked in to the next room or when I have passed on, that that what they feel are good vibrations (if you’re not singing it, what kind of person are you!). To me this means that to die in a positive way, I need to live that way also. I very much do NOT mean living in a toxic positivity slogan infested smile-athon – this is unreal and I believe very much in the positive action of allowing the sad days. What I mean is getting back to the truest and simplest self and engaging in the few things that really matter in life and to do this, I feel, is to Un a lot of things.
A few weeks ago I had one of my most terrifying days. I had had a run of nights where I was waking up every few minutes feeling like I couldn’t swallow and was choking. And then I woke up one morning with my neck so swollen I couldn’t move my head at all and I could barely swallow and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was also in a lot of pain and so very scared. I genuinely thought that the beginning of the end had come. (Spoiler alert, I am not experiencing this now, you can probably tell by the typing.) I was terrified and all I could think was, ‘Not like this, please don’t let me go like this.’ Long story short, it was most likely that along with the tumours in my neck, I had developed lymphoedema there too, a pooling of fluid that was causing all the symptoms – I now sleep sat half upright, awkward, but seems to have reduced this effect.
It is with reflection though that I look at my thoughts at that time and realise it wasn’t just the physical discomfort I was asking to not go out with. I realise that I don’t want to go scared and in panic and fighting because I feel that how we go will influence the vibrations we leave behind. There have been moments in my life and oddly significantly since I have had cancer, that I have been so full of love and joy and abundance and completeness that I thought, if I have to go, then let me go in a moment like this.
I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I’m not sure exactly what happens to us. We are made of energy, once energy has been created it cannot be destroyed, it has to go somewhere. I like to believe that my energy will be reabsorbed into nature somehow, I will go in to the soil, the rain, perhaps a warm smooth stone on a beach, I will become blossom or the beat of bee’s wing. I also like to believe that the energy we leave behind can somehow, in some way sometimes be accessed by those we leave behind or we can reach out to them from it. I have twice felt the absolute and definite presence of my Grandma, who has passed, in such a way that I know something of her was really beside me.
What does this all have to do with un-ing? I have moments where I can feel with clarity a direction even if I find it hard to explain why. This is one of those. I truly feel that to live and die in a way that brings us the most joy, calm, happiness and peace, we need to undo a lot of what we cocoon ourselves with as we go through life from stuff to thought patterns and behaviours. We need to get back as close as possible to where we began and keep only the things that carry true positive energy.
My experience of feeling so frightened at thinking the end really was starting for me has made me realise that I have some work to do somewhere to Un something so that when the time really comes I am in a much better place. I am not sure what this Un is yet, but at least now I know it’s something I want to work on. I think the process of Un-ing will be both interesting and difficult for most of us. To Un will be to simplify and expose ourselves without all the cushioning of the stuff we build up around us for so many years. Un-ing I suppose is a form of identifying and letting go of anything that might weigh us down and so to Un is to move into our next iteration, whether later years or indeed dying, in as light a way as possible.
A few ideas which I am sure will mean something different to each of us.
Unpicking
Undoing
Unlayering
Unloading
Untethering
Uncluttering
Unmooring
Uncomplicating
Uncovering
Un-assuming
Unlatching
Remember, give your loved ones big squishy hugs as often as you can.xx