I’ve seen a lot of people joining in with the social media prompt to post a picture of themselves from the beginning of the decade and now, as we approach the end of it. But it occurs to me, that a whole world can happen in that time.
If I were to join the posting, the pictures would not be much different, save for a few more grey hairs and a further creasing around the eyes. But all that in between… My life over this decade has been a ridiculous rollercoaster of ups: marrying my darling MOTH, and downs (sadly many) which also include – cancer. There would be a more stark contrast in pictures if I were to post one from two years ago, when I had no hair at all due to chemotherapy.
I am someone who doesn’t subscribe to looking at the past. This has been borne out to me even more after recently trying counselling again. I went because of things that have happened to me over the last five years or so, including going through cancer, which at the time of doing so, you knuckle down so hard to just physically surviving, you don’t get a chance to address the mental and emotional aspects until a year or two after. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and hypervigilance along with anxiety and depression, none of which surprises me in the least. But, it was the constant push to go back and scrutinise the past that made me stop going. Yes, I believe the past would be the genesis of much of my, shall we say, idiosyncrasies, but my personal gut feeling is that ok, that was that, but I’d rather look at now and what can be, rather than what was.
However, I am also coming to the conclusion that there is not an awful lot of point in looking to the future too much, either. I don’t mean this in a depressive – there’s no point to anything – way, but that there is truth in the school of thought which says: the past and the future do not exist, the only moment that does, is the one right now.
A case in point; I have recently made myself very ill by focusing too much on a future. By that I mean, I wanted to grab as many possibilities that came my way, be involved in exciting new projects for bettering my future self, that I took on too much. Between work, study and training courses – I forgot to actually live. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a poem or short story, sat down and painted or even went for a walk. All the things that mentally are integral to my good health, there was no longer time for. I have ended up in utter and complete exhaustion to the point of not being able to stand up for two days because the world was swimming about me.
The past is done – and so doesn’t exist. The future has not yet happened – and so doesn’t exist. That means: now, is important.
I have a body that is not yet strong enough to be as on the full-time-go that there is societal pressure to be and so I need to make changes to make my ‘now’ my focus. I am completely guilty of not taking my own advice, I struggle to accept my limitations, but I really don’t want future me to look back at past me (me right now) and feel sad that I put so much emphasis on the times that no longer or do not yet exist, that I forgot to live at all.
I am a huge exponent of kindness being perhaps one of the most important things in this world and we (I) must remember that as well as being so to others, we must also be kind to ourselves.
