A long, long time ago, in what feels like a universe far, far away – I wrote a book. A very silly book full of mishap and mayhem. And then I did nothing with it for many years. Now, I’m going to tell you a bit about how it came about, why it was ignored for so long and perhaps most pertinently – how you can now buy it.
It all originated from some mould in a high school locker which my best friend and I shared in sixth form. There were not enough for each child to have one each so sharing was the done thing, having been best friends since the age of seven, there was no one better to locker bunk with. (For some reason, we all put padlocks on our lockers which was rather senseless seeing as they were often able to be opened by the hinge side anyway, being old and decrepit.)
Over one holiday, one of us managed to leave a drink in the locker and on our return, it was sporting some rather wonderful mould; which we named Norbert. Although, having absolutely nothing to do with and no resemblance to mould of any kind, the name spurred something in me and a character was born: Norbert Melvin. Norbert Melvin, with his shock of brilliant white hair and ever present pipe, is one half of the Intrepid Explorers of Hidden Spaces and Small Back Gardens. The pair are detectives, of a sort, who travel portals, undertaking missions to help those who have had no luck from the usual authorities
The other half of the pair is Jalo Strorn: a flamboyant man with a huge head of dark curls and incredibly hipster shirts. The name Jalo Strorn was one already in use, believe it or not; it was the name my best friend and I used to joint enter competitions and such, being a portmanteau of both of our names at the time.
You may now be getting some idea of the slightly unusual nature of the friendship of my best friend and I. We were never the cool kids as demonstrated by the fact that, on our lunch breaks, it was not unknown for us to make ourselves a fried egg sandwich and peruse the thesaurus and this is how further character names were derived. On one particularly amusing amble through the thesaurus we came across four words/names that we thought sounded like a firm of solicitors: Pharcy, Glanders, Sweeney and Spavin: for some reason, all these became characters looming larger than life in my head – and the book was born. So, I wrote a chapter or two and then completely ignored it for many, many, many years. Why? Because life takes over: work, mortgage, work, play, being in a band, work etc.
It wasn’t until another friend of mine was writing a novel of his own (hello Andrew) that I thought about picking up where I left off and seeing where it got me. I began writing on my lunchbreaks in cafes and the library and Andrew and I started sharing chapters of our books as we went along- something which spurred me on considerably.
It was an odd moment when I finished (well, finished the first draft which is quite a different thing altogether). I was on my own. My partner at the time was away on a lads’ holiday. I was sat at the kitchen table, wrote the words ‘The End?’ and silence. There was no one to hug or tell. So, I made myself a stir fry and opened a bottle of wine.
The next day I was planning to tell my work colleagues and buy cakes by way of celebration but my news was eclipsed and overrun by a girl I worked with announcing she was pregnant. Somehow it didn’t seem right to shoe-horn my news in. Then, once more, I did nothing with the book for years because again, life took over: divorce, six house moves in as many years and getting my life back on track.
Now, blissfully happy with my darling husband (and having put everything on hold once more as I got through cancer diagnosis and treatment) the book is finally available to buy.
As I mentioned at the beginning, it is a ridiculous book. I think of it as fantasy-mild (there is portal travel and all manner of strange gadgets, but I have not totally geeked out), slap-stick on a page with adventure, mayhem and humour. But it is character driven. The people in it all have their foibles, eccentricities and strengths. You feel for poor Mr Spavin who is so dour and luckless – if it is going to happen – it will most likely happen to him. Jalo Strorn and Norbert Melvin are suave and self-assured – a little old-school spy style. And there is a rugged but evil villain of the story.
The book is complete nonsense but, there is some truth in it. There are things I have put in there which actually happened to me or are memories of mine or someone else’s. I will write further about these things another time.
So, what next? Well, I have another book, ‘Geek Club’, half written following Jalo Strorn and Norbert Melvin on a new adventure. I must get on with this one quickly as I have three other novels planned – this time in quite different genres which I am looking forward to writing. ‘The Unusual Disappearance of Mr Spavin’ and ‘Geek Club’ are a fun release of the silly side of life that I enjoy – let’s face it, we all need some silly escapism at times. The next books though will be something rather different. But until then, and at a time when the world seems like it needs a lift, the silliness will continue.
Buy ‘The Unusual Disappearance of Mr Spavin’ as paperback or on Kindle here.
