Jenny, Author at Jenny May

Overlapping starts and ends

We have all had to cope with an unwanted ending…of a casual carelessness that the loss of has been heart-breaking.

I have a strange relationship with endings, in that, I don’t feel them. Or rather, I think that either, by the time things end I have already felt them to know then that they are going to or, as in today’s case, I am already too focused on the next thing.

I had my last chemotherapy today; number 12. Three months of weekly treatment. I should be feeling giddy and excited and super happy (and of course, I am very happy) but, yesterday I had an appointment with the surgeon and so now, I think my head is already focusing on getting ready for surgery and that recovery. After that, there will be radiotherapy. And I know, from past experience that the mental and emotional dealing with having had cancer, doesn’t come until a year or two later. It’s as if you have the resource to get through the physical side but have to put the mental stuff on hold. When your body has recovered enough, the balance is tipped and it is the mind and heart that then needs to process and heal. So, that is why, when I finished treatment today I didn’t really feel any different.

MOTH and I were talking about this to my sister the other day about getting to the point where you know when something has ended, even before it actually has. When I was in sixth form, I remember a teacher saying to me one day, “You’re already done with this, aren’t you? You’re ready to go.” And I was, although I did see my A-levels out. Similarly, in a previous life, when I had worked for a publishing house for ten years, on my last day I walked out of the office just as normal – and it was okay. By that point I had long felt like I had already left, I had had the knowledge that it was done long before my resignation was handed in. There are a few people I will always hold dearly in my heart from that time, I hope you know who you are, but I never felt it was really a complete goodbye to them, perhaps a hiatus.

Some endings are ok. Some are not. I think the ones that happen naturally and hand you the innate knowing that they are there and it is their time, are the okay ones. It doesn’t always make them easy, but I think it can make them easier. It is the ones that come abruptly, unbidden, leaving unfinished business that are not okay. I have a few of these to work through one day.

There is nothing more to these musings other than a recognition of a gentle end to the chemotherapy part of my treatment. Perhaps the juxtaposition with Spring finally feeling like we can actually say it is here with all its beginnings has made me notice the rhythm of overlapping endings and beginnings.

We had a lovely video chat with friends at the weekend who we haven’t been able to see since a fleeting doorstop visit at Christmas to pass presents over at a distance. We talked about Spring and I mentioned that it has, in the past, always been one of my least favourite seasons. I have always found it fidgety and fractious which somehow made me feel almost tense, but this year I am enjoying it more. I wonder if we all are after a year of restrictions. Thinking back to a year ago, we were a global nation just setting out to start understanding what was happening and what was to come. Now, we are all a year wiser and more knowledgeable and weary. Our own restless beings are full of a desire to get going, get on and continue. Just like the bulbs poking sleepy heads above soil, just like small buds appearing on fruit trees that will, in not too much time, burst with blossom, just like the first spring flowers bravely daring to unfurl themselves, we want to be living, to be doing.

We have all had to cope with an unwanted ending of the way we could just live without thought, taking for rite, daily life, hugs, little touches, crowds. A casual carelessness that the loss of has been heart-breaking. But we have all come a long way. We all feel the desire for this way of things to end. But we must all see this through. It will come and the ending will be more than okay.

Nothing but food

Mealtimes have become the main event rather than the punctuation. But here is a danger; the comfort or boredom snacking.

There is nothing to talk about but food. Oh, and – when is bins? I don’t know about you, but between the amount of time we have been in lockdown and the weather being so bad that even the allowed daily exercise has been put largely on hold, it feels that there is very little to say about what anyone has done each week. Living rurally, we were completely snowed in and so I didn’t even get to my blood or chemo appointments this week. They may not exactly be highlights but at least they mean I get to leave the house.

I love having catch ups with my closest ones on various on-line platforms but they, as well as phone calls can end up a little like this: “Anyone done anything this week?” “Not really.” “Pretty much the same as last week.” “Yep.” “Yep, me too.”

At least before the snow we were able to start talking about what was coming out in the garden and the things we were thinking of getting planted, but even that has been thwarted until things improve. The snow itself, did of course, provide a new topic of conversation for a while especially when wondering just who had left trails up and down our garden when I wasn’t looking – turns out, it was pheasants.

But it’s not as if there is nothing to do, it’s just that somehow, in our long confinements, everything just feels a bit samey. If it weren’t for all my hospital appointments the calendar would be redundant; even weekends have no meaning anymore as, because MOTH and I have been working from home, work is an any day, every day, any time thing.

And so food seems to be the thing that is keeping us all going – literally and figuratively. The highlight of most days is the coming meal. It is a marker of time passing and something nice (hopefully) to look forward to, something that is different to the previous day. Mealtimes have become the main event rather than the punctuation. But here is a danger; the comfort or boredom snacking, accompany this with not being out and active and you can understand why a rotation of jogging bottoms are becoming my staple wardrobe. I’ve not helped myself by coming up with a dangerously easy, tasty quick bake, the recipe for which is below. The cats appear to be in on it too and I couldn’t count the number of times a day I refill their biscuit bowls. They, however do not have jogging bottoms. And the birds are no better.

On an unrelated food note, do you ever feel like you have the same things over and over again? After feeling like this a while back, I started keeping a list of the different meals I cook and it’s now in the seventies. And yes, I realise this is a very nerdy thing to do. But trust me, when you have the mind-blank of writing the shopping list for the week – it helps to be a nerd.

For a life writer, this lack of doing anything makes it very hard to write about, well, doing anything. Before you know it I’ll be telling you about the ironing or how I’ve re-labelled all my wallet files (and just how is it that in a supposedly going paper-less world there is still just so much blinking life-admin paperwork?) or even tidying the stationery drawer, which is on my radar to do. Perhaps we will all end up with a new level of tolerance of the mundane where every-day activities are the height of excitement. On a serious note, we might all be learning to find a new joy in smaller less exuberant activities, which actually, I think could be a good thing in a way.

Whatever you are all not-doing this week, I hope it is punctuated by some lovely food. I for one am off to have supper after posting this and to think about what we need to get out of the freezer to cook tomorrow.

And, just when is bins?

For my easy soft-bake flapjack recipe, click here

Easy soft-bake flapjack

This is a really quick and easy basic recipe that is perfect for adding in whatever you fancy as little extras.

Ingredients:

4oz oats milled or blitzed in a blender or just as they are (I use gluten free)

4oz ground almonds

5oz butter (melted)

3oz sugar (caster or soft brown, whichever is your preference)

Method:

Mix together the dry ingredients then stir in the melted butter.

Cook for 20 minutes at 180 degrees (fan)

Little extras:

So far I have tried:

Orange zest and cinnamon

Cranberries and apricots

A layer of cooked apple in-between two layers of flapjack

Chocolate chips

A message of cope

I guess I am hoping that anyone who is feeling lock down fatigue can be kind to themselves and feel proud for coping because that is more than amazing.

Today is a classic British February day – grey. Grey, drizzle, damp, mild then cold, bleak – bleh! And, of course, we are in lockdown. There is much talk of lockdown fatigue and finally I really get it. I have to admit that in lockdown one, I was so busy with the garden and working from home, that aside from the miserableness of not being able to physically see family and the rather over-zealous sudden plethora of on-line meet-ups, I didn’t feel the effects too badly. Certainly there was fear, worry and a kind of dazed incomprehension, but I was busy.

This time I often feel it is not just groundhog day, but groundhog hour, perhaps even minute. Firstly, the weather is not conducive to gardening – unless you like bog snorkelling your way around the borders, that is. Walks are getting trickier too as the Suffolk clay, mixed with huge douses of rain make for incredibly slippery and unmanageable paths (on our last mini walk, my mum and I each accrued a good two inches in height with the mud which accumulated on our boots – which yes, brought us to the grand heights of five foot-three and five respectively). And the grey – eugh – the never ending bleakness that stretches from supposed sunrise to indeterminable sunset.

But this time round I also have the added open-endedness of being signed off sick. I had had hopes of keeping my hand in a bit more than I am managing but I have to admit, that having chemotherapy every week is harder than I had anticipated – it is exhausting. Apart from the fact that chemo day itself can take a good six hours out of the day, there never seems to be time to recuperate from one round before the next is upon me. I had to have a sit down the other day just from putting the washing up away.

I had also had visions of me indulgently focusing on my art and crafting. Of channelling healing through creative practice, but I don’t seem to have the energy or focus for much of that either. It doesn’t help that my eyesight is fuzzy from the chemo and that loss of mental focus is another very normal side effect and, due to hot flushes coming and going at will, I sleep very badly and sporadically, leaving me constantly tired but never able to properly sleep.

This all leaves me, grudgingly at times, having to accept that more and more I need to do – nothing. And that this is okay. And I want to say that it’s okay for everyone else too. Some creatures hibernate over winter, others go into a sense of torpor. When faced with huge negative events, our brains will often naturally shut off from these things which lends us into a strange, almost dissociative state which in itself causes unease and tiredness. At the moment, we are a nation, a world that is – coping, a word perhaps undervalued. To cope: to deal with difficulties in a calm and adequate manner. It has no bells, the whistles would be more like a party blower with a hole in, but it is a quiet strength – getting on with things in the face of a difficult or unpleasant situation. Let’s have some synonyms: manage, survive, get through, carry on, subsist, endure, withstand, bear – these all sound pretty strong to me.

To avoid any further feelings of conflict I am starting to learn that acceptance is a key part of being able to positively cope with what is. Accepting that all I am capable of at times is rest, is making resting more effective. It is hard when I want to be doing, but I found that I was neither doing or resting when I was fighting my need to just stop. I was, instead, being physically still with my brain being annoyed – not helpful. I think a key thing to remember is that accepting a situation as it is at the time, is not giving in to the idea that that is how it will be forever, it is for the time only and that change will come.

I guess I am hoping that anyone who is feeling lock down fatigue, tiredness, confusion – the good old malaise, can be kind to themselves by accepting that, that is what is happening for them at this moment but that the moment won’t last for all time and that things will change. And to also feel very proud of themselves for coping because to cope is in my mind more than amazing, it is strong and it is withstanding, it is moving steadily and it is okay.

*I have no relevant images to go with this post as I have had a very hard week from the chemo and have done pretty much nothing of note. So instead, just a few nice ones from better times, times that I know will come again.

Jenny Antoinette

I feel something like…Mary Antoinette with her eighteenth century pouffe (although without the parrot, fruit bowl, animals, toy ships or other novelty items) but with a great pomp of a towering edifice on top of my head.

MOTH and I took a gentle, state-sanctioned, walk the other day. It was a glorious morning, ice and frost had sugared everything to white and the sky was that wonderful bright blue that seems so particular to winter. As we passed under trees that were in the sun, we were rained on by tiny frozen pellets as the ice melted enough from the branches to fall in crystal droplets, but not enough to turn to liquid.

It was obviously a day that had caught a lot of people’s attention and although I generally avoid social media most of the time, beautiful photos of walks popped up everywhere. It felt as if, for a day at least, there was a shared excitement of the beauty of nature rippling through a collective consciousness. Whether it was because we are once again being asked to stay home as much as possible or just the inevitable grasp at a nice day after bleak greyness and damp I don’t know, but so many people felt the magnificence in the day and went out to experience it. This, I feel, can only be a good thing, especially when we have all just undergone a universal global moment of, ‘what on earth’ with the happenings on the other side of the pond alongside our own home-grown recklessness. (That is as close as I will come to political ranting here, I promise.)

I had to take a quick break from writing to run downstairs and feed the birds. It was a hurried and early off today for my pre-chemo blood tests and I didn’t have time before going out. Goodness, do I feel the guilt if I forget to feed them or even just put their food out late. The sparrows barrel in and u-turn in a huff if they see the feeders empty, the starlings strut about the tray obstreperously pecking at the emptiness, the blue tits perch forlornly looking to where food is not – they certainly know how to show their feelings and frankly they do exaggerate, there are always fat balls and nut butter out as well.

I was very pleased to spot a new bird in the garden recently, a redwing. As well as it being a great year for fungi, there has been an abundance of berries this winter; hawthorn, pyracantha, holly and cotoneaster, particularly and the birds have been gorging. According to the RSPB, the redwing is the UKs smallest true thrush, looking very similar but with a blush of red under the wing. They visit in the winter months and they love berries. There is a possibility I may be mistaken and it is a fieldfare, but I am holding out that I am right if only because it would be nice to be. I’m pretty sure though that I have seen the bold stripy chest of the redwing through my binoculars, the using of which always makes me feel like I am the proverbial nosy neighbour, which I am, it’s just I’m only interested in the birds.

On another short walk, my mum and I came across a small and very neat nest perched among some scrub and brambles about a foot off the ground. It has been suggested that the nest was that of the chiff chaff – perhaps one of the most onomatopoeic of the birds. We also enjoyed the sight of a tree doing yoga or rather, what we think was a huge and old piece of ivy that had entwined the tree to make it look as if it were contorting itself into the tree yoga pose. It seems in lockdown, even nature is taking up hobbies.

It is a very odd feeling to wear a hat over a wig. I feel something like one of the changing guards with their large Bearskin hats or perhaps a little like Mary Antoinette with her eighteenth century pouffe (although without the parrot, fruit bowl, animals, toy ships or other novelty items) but with a great pomp of a towering edifice on top of my head. I know this is not actually what it looks like, in fact, I don’t think anyone would know there was anything out of the ordinary if it wasn’t mentioned, but it certainly feels as if there is rather a lot going on up there.

I don’t wear my wig every day, it is very tight and can get itchy and there is a strange feeling of being disingenuous; looking as if I have hair, when I do not. But, I have to admit it does give me a greater sense of ‘normality’ for a while when I do wear it, not having the glaring, ‘I have cancer,’ look going on. And it is definitely warm, which at the moment is a bonus. Perhaps to garner the mood I should embrace the look and add a redwing representation to my wig/hat combo.

Publish hide and apologise

…there was mention of MOTH holding the clippers still and me just twirling round in the chair.

Well, hi there. It’s been a while, I know. I’m going to start with two apologies: firstly, to everyone who sent me such lovely messages after my last blog. I am sorry I haven’t responded individually but I think I may have gone a little early on talking about things and ended up heading into a low mood for a while. I also have this dreadful affliction whereby I am a writer, who wants to produce things that people read, but am also, intensely, an introvert and am terrified of attention. This means, every time I press publish I effectively run and hide under a duvet for a while. (Currently, this is actually true.)

The second apology I want to make is to those to who I promised I wouldn’t talk too much about my cancer. I think I am going to go back on this. Sorry. Why? Because, as mentioned briefly in my previous blog, this is actually happening to me, I can’t ignore it and it would seem disingenuous to write about my life and not include it. But, also, because I have had so many lovely people say that they do find it helpful and insightful.

I will, however, keep some of the more ‘intense’ details for a later piece of writing. I am considering a book. Quite frankly, this is my second time doing this so I may as well try and do something useful with it. I am keeping a diary of my more, raw and immediate thoughts and feelings, and to give a sneak peek, I have just written this:

It occurred to me yesterday, when I was at the hospital getting bloods done and looking around at the others there, that one of the reasons I hate the bald/turban etc look is that it makes us cancer patients look entirely homogenous. Especially as when our eyesight gets bad we have our glasses on too and due to the intense bloating, we all resort to comfortable clothes And now, with masks as well, there is even less of us to see as individual people. We end up as pink, shiny, bespectacled, baggy sameness. Eugh! I had hoped to style my way through it this time, but I am heading the inevitable way.

From this, you may well deduce that yes, it is the time of the hair disappearance. It has been more gradual this time but there has been significantly enough sloshing around the shower to make me realise – it was time! MOTH obliged with the hair clippers. I did cry. Of course I did. It took three years to grow my hair back to how I felt I wanted it. But, after the tears and with some Dave Brubeck playing we buzzed me down. As I was sitting on the office swivel chair dragged into the bathroom and with a towel draped round my neck, there was mention of MOTH holding the clippers still and me just twirling round in the chair. We didn’t do this but at least we had reached joking point.

So, to give a brief update. yesterday, I had number three of twelve weekly chemotherapies. It is a different treatment plan to last time so I am still getting used to how I am reacting. It is not fun. I am not having fun, but fun was not expected. But I have at least managed to get back to my positive mindset which eluded me for a while longer this time. So don’t worry, my blogs won’t be downbeat.

I am excitedly awaiting the delivery of some oversized loungewear today to accommodate the ballooning which happens as a by-product of some of the drugs. I have already purchased a cape-style coat (those close to me know how much I love a cape in all forms, I’m thinking I need a full on cloak next), however this was for practical reasons. I have had a picc line put into my arm as my veins are still too damaged from my last round of chemotherapies to have a cannula inserted on a weekly basis. (If you are squeamish, don’t look up picc lines. If you want gory details, do ask me 😉 ) But, I found that the bulk of the picc line and its dressings wouldn’t fit into the sleeves of any of my normal coats and with the weather now decidedly cold – I needed something. So a cape coat it was. It is yet another of the many, many extra things you don’t know you’ll need to think about when having cancer treatment, that clothing plays a larger part than you would imagine: hats, accommodating coats, baggy clothes (for when you can no longer do your trousers up), scarves, gloves to hold hand heaters in place before cannulation, eyebrow drawing on kits (we may need another full blog about me learning how to do make-up!), picc line covers, picc line shower covers… it’s an expensive business this cancer, add in parking and petrol for every appointment and, well, it’s best not to think about it.

But, regardless of all this I feel lucky. Lucky because I have MOTH the loveliest most supportive man on earth. I have an incredible family and the best of friends. I have you lovely lot, the cats of course and I am lucky because the NHS are simply more marvellous than I have words to express. I have also increased my cape collection.

Have you tried turning her off and on again. Again.

It would appear that the attempt to restore me to factory settings, three years ago, didn’t work and the genetic malware I inherited, although largely cleaned up, managed to leave a trace of virus behind. I honestly don’t know why I’m using a tech analogy, I am terrible with technology, but you get the gist, or if you don’t, it is this: I have cancer again.

It is the same as before, just in a different place, ergo breast cancer but currently residing in my lymph nodes. I found out three days ago – it has not been a fun week!

MOTH and I tried to think of an analogy for this on our way home from the hospital on the afternoon of getting the results after being asked by a couple of people, how it could be breast cancer, but not in breast tissue. Halfway home in the dark and as the rain started to fall, MOTH came up with this:

Last time I had a digestive biscuit (breast cancer) and dropped crumbs all over the place. Most of these crumbs (cells) got hoovered up (by chemo and surgery) but there was one of those annoying tiny, crumbs you can barely see and that you just don’t know about until it gets inside your top and really starts to scratch, left. Once the hoover (chemo) had stopped, this crumb that had previously travelled undetected to my lymph nodes could go about its business. Here it did not become a chocolate chip cookie (a different type of cancer) but another digestive biscuit – just in a different place.

I blogged before about having cancer primarily because I wanted to reassure people that I was still the same and that it was okay to talk to me and be in contact just as normal and that to shy away from people with cancer because it is hard to know what to say or how to act, merely compounds the difficult time they are going through.

With the dreadful year we have all had and are still having with this blinking pandemic, I was in two minds whether to talk about all this or whether it was just too much for people to take, on top of everything else. To this end, and it being the age we are in, I put out a light twitter poll with the options being:

Yes, shoot the breeze about it, it is useful or

Fingers in ears, I don’t want to hear about it.

The outcome was everyone bar one, said go for it. But it got me considering for a few days. I couldn’t stop thinking about that one person who emphatically said no; but this is the conclusion I have come to:

I completely understand not wanting to hear anything more about negative subjects – completely and wholly and if they want to put their fingers in their ears I say do, do what you need to. But the thing is this: I don’t have that luxury. I simply cannot decide to put my fingers in my ears and ignore it. ‘Okay then’, some might say, ‘but just because you have to acknowledge it, does it mean you have to write about it?’ ‘Good point’, I may counter and yet, ‘yes.’ For this simple reason; when I write, it is about things in my life that I have done, thought about, discovered, learned and experienced and although technically it is possible to continue to do so without mentioning cancer, it would be rather disingenuous. This is going to be a huge part of my life for many months and to write blithely without mentioning the elephant* in the room, would feel wrong somehow. *I always think elephants get a bad wrap with this phrase.

So then perhaps a compromise, as it is I don’t want to be Cancer Jenny I will just be Jenny who happens to have cancer for a while. So, apart from this piece, my blogs will not be about cancer, but in the usual format of all the things I mentioned above which will just happen to be experienced by me as I go through cancer treatment and therefore, the odd mention here and there is bound to come up.

Instead, this time, I am going to keep a detailed diary of the C word and one that is perhaps truer than the cancer-light chat I put out last time and who knows, maybe at a later date there will be a more full piece of writing to read or ignore as you please.

For those who wish to know, I see the oncologist next week to find out when treatment will start. It will be chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy. I am more than bloody furious and sad that it has taken three years to grow my hair back to how I like it and now I will lose it again.

I am okay. Well, I have cancer – but you know what I mean.

So that is my one and only cancer-dedicated blog this time. As it will be part of my life for a while though, it will appear in my writing on occasion, but not as the main character. If you can’t face reading about it, that is completely fine but please try to remember that by ignoring such things, you are ignoring the person having to go through them because they can’t separate themselves from it.

Everyone take care of yourself and be kind to others. It’s weird out there, but we’ll all get through.

Close encounters of the winged kind

This week I have been getting entirely too close to nature, or rather, it has been entering my personal space to different degrees of acceptance from me. But before all that, I have just trodden on a slug – with bare feet! That would be me with the bare feet, of course, not the slug although I guess their one foot is always bare. Anyway, that is how my week ended with regard to wildlife interaction. Squishy.

Earlier in the week I was undertaking the all-too-regular event of trying to get one, the other or both of the cats in for the evening. We keep them in overnight these days which is much better all round: better for us having less vets bills to pay from all the night time scrapping, better for the cats as they have less injuries from all the night time scrapping and better for all the other wildlife as there is less night time killing.

On this night, small cat had evaded our early calls and had taken himself off on a long hike. Either that or he was deploying the tactic big cat uses which is to sit a mere few feet away, hidden and absolutely ignoring our calling and cat treat rattling. But it was a warm night and had become that wonderful time when all the crepuscular creatures head out for foraging, courting and the ever popular night time scrapping. As I stood calling to the small beast I was given a close fly-by by a bat. We get at least one on most nights at this time of year and its lovely to see them lapping the garden. I think I must have been in its flight path though, and I’m sure I could feel it touch lightly as it flew by. I love bats, so this was not a problem.

The next morning, I was sitting outside with a hot water and lemon for a bit of fresh air before starting work for the day. Tucked away with jasmine and honeysuckle behind me, buddleia and a eucalyptus to the left and a plum tree to the right I was nestled neatly among flora. Which is perhaps why a beetle was unable to navigate around me in time and came and gave me a bumbling headbutt before making its awkward flight away. This encounter was fine also. In the same place and only a few moments later a female blackbird skimmed my head having taken off from the fence behind the jasmine. I think she was more startled than I was. (I could not help but think of Carl Bovis, a nature photographer I follow on Twitter who posts amazing pictures of birds in flight with wings and legs tucked in and looking as if they had been pointedly thrown at him by his enemies.) But, a low-flying bird is also quite alright with me.

What was not alright was my next encounter of the week. After a spot of gardening I put my jogging bottoms back on and was having a nice chat with MOTH in the kitchen when all of a sudden I felt a rather painful stab on my bottom (left cheek, if you needed to know). Discarding the joggers to investigate it became clear that there was a wasp in there and the little git had just stung me. This was not alright. I was not best pleased in the least. MOTH was very good and managed to stop from outright laughing for some time, including when I lay down and asked him to put an apple cider vinegar soaked cotton pad on the, ahem, area. (By the way, this absolutely works for wasp stings to bring down the redness and itching.) Three days on and I can still feel it, but its ok, you can all laugh, even I find it funny – until I sit down.

Hips, Haws and Fairy Wings

Red and green should never be seen, says…well, it seems perhaps no-one. It is one of those phrases that many of us have heard and yet the origins seem to be somewhat muddy. It might be purely about fashion; that it was considered the two colours just didn’t complement each other. But, it seems as many people know the phrase as blue and green, so down that road we can insert any colour as the one not to be seen with green. There is also a view that it refers to the lights on a ship, green on the starboard side and red on the port meaning that, if you can see these colours when out in your own boat, you may well be headed on a collision course.

But, as it always does, nature defies the rules (whatever they may be) and red and green are often seen – and very pleasingly so. I took a five-minute sit outside after work today. The weather wasn’t particularly pleasant but I find I desperately need at least a few minutes outside a day to feel (vaguely) human. Armed with a warm drink* I sat out by our small pond and noticed that the seasons were showing their turning. Tangled waterfalls of red berries and green leaves are draping from the hawthorn trees. Towering
over my head and reaching almost down to the floor, they are like a vertical carpet of nature having a go at pointillism.

Behind me, a rose has gone to hip. I play the game, each year, of trying to balance the dead-heading of flowers to prolong the blooms coming out, but also leaving enough to turn to hips, because the birds love them so. I have made rosehip tea in the past, collecting, cutting, scraping out the insides and drying the hips and it was tasty – but, a lot of not very pleasant work. The inside of a rosehip is filled with prickly, sticky hairs and they all have to be removed or will be an irritant when drinking. It takes a long time to prepare so many fiddly little hips and I know from experience that I don’t really have the patience.

The honeysuckle flowers are all pretty much all gone now but the tiny, shiny red berries punctuate the long meandering tendrils. It doesn’t seem to matter how much or when I cut this particular honeysuckle back, it soon
swamps everything around it. The weeping crab apple tree is also in fruit now -and occasionally cat. (Big cat is a climber and it is not unusual to look out of the window and see his head peeping out from the top of the tree.)

And there is more to come, the pyracantha (the spiny, spikey, flesh-ripping beast that it is) will keep the blackbirds in snacks all winter and of course, the holly will be ready to decorate the house at Christmas time.

But we also have a scattering of fairy wings in what I (optimistically) call our woodland area (the shady bit under mystery tree**). White and pink cyclamen gather in groups, standing small but proud from their round tubers. Cyclamen have their seed heads on tight coils which when ripe project the seed head and seeds onto the ground – the sticky seeds are then sometimes moved about by ants. Just imagine if you could capture the pinging and flinging of seeds by the release of tensed coils on film – I can’t help but visualise it in some sort of Acme cartoon cannon style with some dramatic full-orchestra music going on behind the whizzing and whirring.

But this week hasn’t been just about flowers; pond life has had its show too. Poking about my mum’s garden, having a catch up on what has and hasn’t survived the ridiculous heat followed by winds and torrents of rain, we spotted a frog making use of the plant pot tray on her patio. It seemed quite happy and we think perhaps waiting for some of the dropped insect-based bird food from the feeders nearby. And we have a new resident, Gary. Gary is a snail who was doing the sterling job of keeping my niece’s fish tank clean. Alas, the fish are no more, which is timely actually, as niece is just about to head off to university. Needless to say, my sister was not about to keep a tank going in her daughter’s absence for just one snail, and so Gary was ferried over to our pond via a small tub with holes in and a fruit basket in the footwell of my car.

*If you’re interested; a mix of cacao powder, turmeric, ginger, cinnamon and star anise with hot water and unsweetened almond milk. Yes, yes I am ‘that’ person.

**We know it is a cotoneaster, but it was unidentified for so long, it will never be called anything but mystery tree in our house. *Whispers* it also has its own theme tune.

The admiral, the teasel and the goldfinch

Recently, an admiral sat on my knee. I was in my back garden, sitting in the sunshine of early (ish) morning and felt a tickle on my skin. I think I had been mistaken for part of the large buddleia I was sitting near and instead of joining all its butterfly friends on the purple blooms, the red admiral stopped off on my knee.

It seems to have been a bumper year for butterflies. I certainly feel I have seen more and I have heard lots of other people say the same. Like so many other nature spotted phenomena in this strange year, it does seem as if the natural world has been a bit more prevalent while we have had to become less so. I wonder, is this the case? Actually, MOTH and I pondered this on a short wheezy walk, edging our way round golden fields that were being harvested. (This is the time of ridiculously bad hayfever for me and I will now spend the next few months breathing as if I had just run a marathon while playing the tuba). What is it that we normally do which we have not been doing that has allowed a boost in such nature as butterflies? Or, is it that we are just noticing them more because of our changed circumstances? I offer these questions with no answers, by the way, I am merely musing. If it is the former then it makes me feel quite sad because that would show the direct negative impact we humans have on the natural world – I can’t help but have the sneaky suspicion that this is probably true.

It has also been a great year for teasels. We have left several to grow, dotted around the garden and one has shot up to the heady heights of taller than me – yes, that is an enormous five-foot three and more! Particularly attracted to these spikey monsters have been bees, hoverflies, pollen beetles, spiders, and butterflies. I am looking forward to when it is the turn of the goldfinch, as they love the later stage of dried teasel where they can pluck out the seeds. I spent the first few years here wondering why we never had goldfinches on our bird feeder (despite the niger seed bought especially) until I realised we have hordes of them, but they prefer to bubble and chatter in the greengage trees at the bottom of our garden. And yes, looking forward to this moment does mean I am looking forward to more autumnal times, which by the already turning of the blackberries in the hedgerows is beginning to wave a distant hello.

Back to the teasels, did you know that it is thought that they might be carnivorous? The teasels’ leaves form a sort of cup in which rainwater collects – and also insects which drown in the pools… If I’m being perfectly honest with you, this is mostly hypothetical, there is some small evidence that the plant gains some benefit from the extra protein of dead bugs, but it is certainly not a proven fact that this is what they are doing – creating their own traps and feeding bowls. But, it’s an interesting idea, isn’t it?

We’ve had grass snakes in the garden this year – I have been most excited about this, although less so because our small, shouty and sweary cat with a gimpy leg did catch one and leave it on our kitchen floor. We have a thrush with only one foot. It seems to be doing well despite this set back, it sings most beautifully-madly, as they do, but I worry for it still. I am enjoying the lavender that is coming into itself now. I have picked some for drying (last year I made lots of lavender bags for Christmas presents, something that I will always remember doing with my grandma, and have lately been enjoying popping a stalk of flower heads into a pot with camomile tea. I’m not sure MOTH has seen yet, but this morning I tied a posy of lavender to hang under the shower head. Giving the buds a gentle squeeze as the water is running makes it smell a little like you are in a spa – go on – try it (in your own shower though, not mine, of course).

It has been a strange, awful privilege to have been forced to stay at home for the last few months. I miss hugging people an awful lot (not random people, my family and close friends, of course) but as a natural introvert, for me, I can’t honestly say it was all bad. Recently, I have stepped back into my physical work, leaving behind the digital content creating I have been doing in lieu. I have been both excited and apprehensive about this. What I love about my job as a librarian is (yes, yes, it’s the books) but also helping people, quietly building real relationships with regulars and knowing you have truly given and made a difference to someone. Things will not be as they were for a while but we adapt. Change can be hard, it can be wonderful, it can be a learning experience, but one thing is for sure, nothing ever truly stays the same.