Hi there
I want to start today with an apology, well actually, two. Firstly, I know my last few pieces of writing have laid out some pretty heavy stuff that perhaps has been hard for some people to read and I am sorry to cause anyone pain. But, I didn’t feel I could carry on with my writing without being honest about where things currently stand. The last hard thing for now is I’m going to answer a question I’m sure a lot of people are wondering about, although, actually, I’m not really going to answer it. When you know someone has incurable cancer thoughts are going to gravitate to: how long left… so for anyone wondering, I don’t know and I’ve decided I don’t want to know – not until I absolutely have to. I’m not daft, I know the stats and parameters, I know what’s going on in my body better than anyone else, I know I’ve been dealing with this cancer for seven years now and I know what currently treatment is/isn’t doing. On bad days I feel I am at the lesser end of the scale, on good days I feel entirely hopeful that I can claim back something rather better and it is that hope that I wish to live by. There, that is the last of the really difficult bits.
The second apology is to all you lovely, lovely people who have been in contact in various ways – and I just haven’t got back to yet. I sometimes end up in a state of absolute overwhelm and become like a rabbit in headlights and freeze. I then feel so horribly guilty about taking so long to reply that it makes me freeze further – a terrible trait and one I shall work on. But thank you to everyone who has been in touch – I will be getting back to you all – slowly but surely.
I have to admit though that part of the not sorting out visits and get-togethers is because I am feeling very self-conscious about how I look and becoming less confident about being out in public. I still have hair, but having started a second chemo, and one I lost it with before, I am expecting it to fully go soon. But this time my cancer is behaving differently. Previously it has all been very hidden but now it is very much only just under the skin of my neck, back, shoulder and now chest. Not only are tumours clearly visible but the cancer is making my skin look as if I have been burned in a fire. Add to this redness and swelling and nerve damage that means I cannot move the lower right hand side of my mouth, and well, you can begin to imagine that it is hard not to feel like hiding away. There is a particular difficulty in seeing your face be changed, a thing that very much defines you and you have lived with all your life, to look in the mirror and no longer see a person you fully recognise is upsetting and is a step I am trying to learn to live with in the knowledge that it may still get worse.
But, believe it or not this brings me on to a nicer thing I want to come back to. Last time I wrote, I left a pondering on the word ‘softening’ that was for some reason coming to me often. And it continues to do so and has been helping me. To me, this softening is a place of stillness to step into when anxiety or overwhelm start knocking. It feels like a pocket of time-out where I am neither fighting with exuberant positivity nor dropping down in to low mood. It is a neutral place of calm where I can view the world with a gentle clarity and even curiosity. I find within it that I don’t have to be anything at all except present, I don’t have to be happy or sad, scared, anxious or a warrior. This softening is a place I can allow my thoughts to gently morph like clouds slowly changing from one shape to another; no discernible movement yet they transform and slip easily from one state to another. The softening, a place without hard edges where nothing has to be yes or no, hard or easy, where what we think and what we feel can interplay or not. It is an allowing of everything and yet letting nothing be all consuming. And with this softening comes a freedom to allow anything to have the chance to be. It has also instilled in me a security of belief in myself and my place in the world. Anyone who has followed my writing over the years will know that I am a bit of a hippy nature nerd, it is where I find my peace and my place. I like the thought of being the tree that bends with the wind rather than trying to stand against it and then snap. And to stand as that tree that bends you need to have confidence in your roots that you know to be true to you. I know that I am at my best self when I am open, curious and hold peace at my centre. I know that I love and that I am loved and it is with these things that I plant my roots into the ground and if I soften into them I can bend with the storms.
I would love for each and every one of you to find your softening. I’m sure it will look and feel different to everyone. But I thoroughly recommend it. Next time you are feeling the pull of anxiety or stress or even over excitement, say to yourself, ‘soften’ take a breath and step into that gentle place and be curious as to where you go.
There is a breath visualisation I like to use sometimes to get into this place that you may like too: take a breath in and imagine it going into your headspace, breath out and drop that breath to your throat. Breathe in and on the exhale drop your breath to your chest. Breathe in, then allow the next breath to drop to your stomach. Breath in and this time, on your out breath imagine it dropping through your legs and out through the soles of your feet and as this happens think of the things that you know to be true to you and that keep you grounded. Feel yourself soften.
I mentioned that one tenet true to me is curiosity. I have been in a strange place at the beginning of this year where so many difficult things were happening that I lost all my usual interests, but I find that I am slowly crawling out of that dearth now and small snippets of curiosity are coming back to me. And it seems it has a hunger! I have found myself wanting to try new recipes and food ideas – some have worked better than others but the best two of late come with a sweet tooth and if you are that way inclined here they are.
Firstly, dates filled with peanut butter then coated with dark chocolate. Warning, these are immensely moreish and do not last long.
Secondly, and bear with me here: butternut squash chocolate mousse. Trust me, I don’t know how or why it works but it does. What I did: 400g butternut squash steamed until soft then blended until as smooth as possible. 200g chocolate, half dark, half milk, melted. Then add the squash to the chocolate, whisk together, pour into a dish and let set. I dare you to try it!
I think next time I write to you lovely lot I’m going to talk a little on anger and love. But I shall leave you now, hopefully with thoughts of softness and peace and sweet chocolate treats.